Happy New Year! I have to confess. I haven’t been feeling the happy nor the motivation of what a new year is suppose to bring. All I feel like doing is sleeping or binging Netflix, but then I feel like crap for not seizing the day and doing something creative. Why? Because that message is also being spewed left and right every day. The pressure to enjoy every moment, make every moment matter, be productive, or create something every day that is coming from the “look at me and all the awesome things I can do/make” communities on social media is annoying. Now, I realize it’s all ego. Even my annoyance and general disgust of the ego is ego.
I’ve been reading some things pertaining to spirituality for the past year, and I realized that most of the things I do, think or feel are in service of my ego. I am one more likely to feel unworthy of any love or attention… just chalked it up to my upbringing and genetics… so you’d think I’d have little ego if any at all… but I learned that the feeling of inferiority is just as much ego as the feeling of superiority. Either way, my ego is judging myself in comparison to others, and that is where I need to stop, and just leggo of my eggo (because it’s more fun to say). This ego of mine is keeping me from doing things and enjoying life. It is too concerned with the concerns of others. It is a poor judge of anything, really, especially myself. It’s bringing me down and making me feel guilty for not jumping on the health and fitness bandwagon, or joining the self-improvement / goal setting camp. I just don’t feel like thinking about what I need to improve on, or what I need to accomplish, or what I lack in general. I’m tired of thinking about myself or people in general all the time… which is what social media and everyone wants you to think about… either you or them. Everyone is trying to convince you of something or sell you something by telling you that you suck, basically. I suck, so I should do this or follow that, and it will make me suck less. Ah, Ego, you are never content, and always insecure.
So, if I am to have any new year’s resolutions at all, it would be this: To be aware of when my ego is speaking. This awareness magically brings me comfort and acceptance. I see it, I own it, and I let it go.